I'm sitting alone by myself, Virginia Woolf in my company. Can't take in a word even 20 pages away, seem to be lost in nothingness.
With air so warm, and ground beneath so cold, the thought of an unknown you surfaces out of nowhere.
This unknown you has no name just a face that I have been dreaming about lately. An urge to lie in your strong arms when the whole wide world is concerned about everything trivial.
The street outside has a million distractions whatsoever. But the mind just seems to be affixed on you.
A hope that this thought subsides, yet this urge to see this unknown you for real!
Suddenly reality dawns as it occurs to me that you don't actually exist! With highs and lows aplenty, you take form of a million thoughts that run in my head otherwise.
I don't want to let go of you, because the very image of you and your countenance brings a smile out of nowhere. I wish you were for real sometimes, and sometimes I wish you were there...
Three little words, magically beautiful.
words i want to wake up to
words i want to sleep listening to words in the middle of nowhere, just to simply convey, you're there
Words to caress your presence in my heart
to silently smile the moment that thought comes by
You say these and I will somehow survive in that moment.
Staying assured of an entwined entity, beautiful and precious...
Trembled soul within craves for that longingly searching deep in your eyes...
someone to share this life with in moments when I can feel best, even when I'm at my worst......
Voyaging through.What Life gives us, and what we want from Life? :-/
Its been a while that I have actually posited anything concrete.
This I hope to write in a plausible way to let open a way to initiate some rational conceiving. Thoughts that follow later is a matter of time. Usually depends on an individual's perception.
Sometimes Life puts you in a situation you don't to be in. But then you just can't help it. Its just happens. This includes people, place, events and similar things that happen involuntarily. As you grow old things keep happening to you in an indirectly proportional way! There seem very few things that want to happen in your way.
That perfect love you had always read about or watched in the movies, that lyrically soulful song that makes your heart go warm, those uninterrupted thoughts you(we) cloud our heads with, and all those unexplained things that we go through, it occurs to me in a nutshell and also leads me to think with a notion whether or not it is good to live a life in imagination?
We expect and with bout of every emotional instance we come across we happen to be in a situation of quid pro quo. While all of this happens, we happen to shuttle between things, come across people, some become close, some you don't want to even look at, decisions you make for yourselves, for that someone who might be with you for a lifetime. Just in the middle of all this, you want to take a moment for yourself, pause the world, live in the times that have gone by, do things that you had wanted to for yourselves.
In that amber colored fame which you have earned for yourself or the same that you are struggling towards, you pray for the times when you can be the person you wanted to be, with times, moments, people and places, all which are according to you. Sitting alone with surmounting thoughts that are running in your head, and those million conversations that you are having with yourself.
Amid all this that disguised persona that you have worn for yourself with the passing seasons makes you question your own existence. Is this when you want to question everything that's happening around you? The What if? times dawn upon you. The mystic reality takes a toll over you, and it just becomes a little hard to cope up with things.
The very thought of Loving someone, living in the moment, having the best of times, friends, food, and equally good things that lead to that perfect life make an earnest entry in your heart. The desires become endless and time subsides accordingly. What remains are just memories behind...sweet, bitter, funny, implicit, explicit, intimate and the like.
Everything happens for a reason. With or against one's will. Wilderness gets its ways and so do the other complications. The struggle continues to take The fact that we live with them makes us what we are. The reasons to ponder over remain where they were, unanswered, untried, and unsolved.
The present desires include a warm day with everything impeccable with a happy ending and a peaceful slumber that will wake the soul in yet another equally beautiful dawn.
Yet another hope that is so very hypothetical in nature!
PS: Don't know whether I have made any sense, but some thing that Dr. Seuss has said seems quite apt here. "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
We never knew each other (and we are coming to terms with it now)
This is a point when we all are at different places, with different people, and with different priorities to be taken care of.
"When Life gives you a 100 reasons to feel sad, show the world that you have 1000 more reasons to be happy."
This was one of the forwards that has come to my phone a lot of times and has had a particularly specific impact on me.
Talking of which, I want to punctuate that when My life gets slow and makes me feel low,
Your memories are the only reasons that brings back my smile to my face.
Each difficult situation that 'm put into, I bring myself to imagine what if you (sagarika/anjali and manjita) were in my place? What would they do?
And I try to get as close to the solution as possible.
With three sultry summers spent amid the most unusual of people, circumstances and places, Life had thrust the most difficult of challenges without us letting know of it..
Remember the times, when all of us had developed an unspoken hostility among ourselves? When we were totally clueless as to why is the other one behaving in that way?? We tried to decipher (failed miserably though!) and still we clung to each other both in joys and in sorrows.
Starting from the most vulnerable situations, I learnt a lot from each one of you!
Anjali B Nair, I was the closest to you, and from the most skeptical to most specific decisions I have been in I know where I'd to turn to. With you I learnt the art of tolerance, the science of humility and the ability to keep people close. You are the most warmest person I have come across and I m thankful to all the forces (divine, non-divine) when I met you. I can completely understand about your present times and you are certainly working very hard. I pray that you get the best of what you are expecting...... I love you machi di.. And I terribly miss you...
Manjita machiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and what not! :) :)
You know words will never be enough to describe what all of us shared. This group would have been totally non-existent if you had not been a part of it. I m glad Kolkata happened and most importantly even if it was for 5 minutes, I could see your teary eyes... I m not quite sure how are things with you but 'm pretty sure that You are doing great and you will continue to do so. If its destined we shall keep meeting and next time definitely not for five minutes! I love you and miss everything that reminds me of you!
Sago! My counselor I'd call you as! :)
You know when I m on the verge of brushing my emotions under the carpet I m reminded of you! Remembering all the mature talks I had with you post wrong decisions and actions, I still have that urge to have you around me. With months passing by since the last time we met in CCD, I get too emotional :(
And I try to hide my tears from everyone around me. It happens that when I want to be left alone I have this whole crowd around me invisibly hounding me. With a desire to NOT face these people 'm constantly reminded of you. Because a msg or two with you, gives me that gratification that someone is there to listen to my woes. You know that day you called me to get my views on Occupy wall street for your bulletin, I can be so sure about seeing an extremely sassy and beautiful news reader that the Indian TV channels are awaiting! :)
I know for sure, I still can write you and tell about what 'm going through. Whether its a new guy or the old romance, all the dirty details ;) which I can think of :P
I miss you...and 'm waiting for the train to chug off from CTC to Chennai Central on the 23rd night :)
Dear angels,
When I sit to write these words, I m guided by my heart that is filled with all those old memories that we spent with each other everywhere and anywhere.! When we walked, we made a few heads turn, raised a few eyebrows and invited people to look at us in awe at the same time! Funny it might sound, but I found myself in my utmost comfort zone when I was with you.
Even when I'm here, I keep fantasizing whether or not we will always be together or not?
I want to be no matter where I'm. I want to stay in touch, vent out myself and tell about the most deepest of my secrets to all of you. I know now who I should boast of when I m asked about my Friends! :)
With this I close my never-ending letter that craves to speak even more!
I love you and I miss you all (even more)
Love, Hugs, etc.
Yours
Machi/Double Battery/Negss!
PHOTOGRAPH-- Nickelback
(Look at this photograph Every time I do it makes me laughHow did our eyes get so red?And what the hell is on Joey's head? And this is where I grew upI think the present owner fixed it upI never knew we'd ever went withoutThe second floor is hard for sneaking out And this is where I went to schoolMost of the time had better things to doCriminal record says I've broke in twiceI must have done it half a dozen times I wonder if it's too lateShould I go back and try to graduate?Life's better now than it was back thenIf I was them I wouldn't let me in Oh oh ohOh God I Every memory of looking out the back doorI have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floorIt's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front doorI found the photo of the friend that I was looking forIt's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbyeGoodbye Remember the old arcade?Blew every dollar that we ever madeThe cops hated us hanging outThey said somebody went and burned it down We used to listen to the radioAnd sing along with every song we knowWe said someday we'd find out how if feelsTo sing to more than just the steering wheel Kim's the first girl I kissedI was so nervous that I nearly missedShe's had a couple of kids since thenI haven't seen her since God knows when Oh oh ohOh God I Every memory of looking out the back doorI have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floorIt's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front doorI found the photo of the friend that I was looking forIt's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye I miss that townI miss their facesYou can't eraseYou can't replace it I miss it nowI can't believe itSo hard to stayToo hard to leave it If I could I relive those daysI know the one thing that would never change Every memory of looking out the back doorI have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floorIt's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front doorI found the photo of the friend that I was looking forIt's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye Look at this photographEvery time I do it makes me laughEvery time I do it makes me) PS: I was meaning to post the video, wi-fi issues. :(
With the open window by her side, with nothingness depicted on the dull walls of the opposite block, this doesn't necessarily come from her heart.
A conversation over the phone that lasted for at least an hour or so.. With an emotional outburst that took place inside her, she is reminded of what she spoke and most importantly what she was told:
Caller: Do you or not love me?
She: Uhm.... Well I Like you now.
Caller(almost about to yell): What are you saying? Do you even realize what you are trying to do over here?
She: I know. I dont think its working anymore?
Caller: Why? What happened? Am I doing anything to you? Have I shown any less love to you?
She (Trying to explain herself): NO. You don't understand. Its not you. Its this place, I m not able to cope up and give you that kind of time.
Caller: So whose mistake is this? Why din't you think of all these things when you first got along with me? Now do you realize how much you are hurting me? You were someone who has impacted me so much, someone I go on painting the town about telling that you are that someone, I respect you so much and this is what I get in the end?
She: I hadn't anticipated all this.. I cant envision a future here :(
Caller: Do you realize how immature you are sounding right now?
She (sobs): Yes, maybe I m .. But can we just go our ways before anything else goes wrong? Why is it that I have to explain myself so much?
I m unable to handle it and that's the end of it.
Caller: So are you dumping me?
She: Don't get into this new age vocab and make it look like any other affair. Its not easy for me. Try to understand.
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Yes! The kind of fights that she has been having over a period of time. Over relationships, over not showing love, over being busy and above all not being committed. This time she is clearly haunted. Unable to see through this hazy picture that she painted ahead of her. What went through her mind she was quite clear about, but was not capable enough to deliver and clarify.
What bound her with him was this inseparable feeling called love..That which was in those conversations during nights, that which was unspoken of when with people and in public's eye, that which wanted a physical intimate reverie, with aspirations to grow old together, and stand for each other.
So what went wrong?
She separated. She got a new lease in her life, with new people around her in a far flung land away from the humanity, and she was carried away....certainly she was. No she din't find a new person in her life. She just got carried away. Now she had brand new goals, and brand new priorities, with a brand new agenda to just live her life in an utmost important way. Make her presence felt and feel important. With this new hope and this new dream, she wanted to step ahead, leaving all that had taken place in the past.
But is past always past?
It keeps punctuating the moments that have made a difference altogether to one's life. When spoken of leaving that piece of history where it's meant to be, nothing but resent was shown.
Hasn't she a choice of herself? Abound to the person she loved once upon a time, when it comes to her situation why isn't she understood? Why is she always disturbed?
She is confused! She is loved! She is bound to these cruel societal norms.
She doesn't deserve you. You are deserved by someone who will be equally committed. If you understand what she is going through, she will be more than satisfied.
She will linger eventually with time and will live with the best moments that she had with you...
Give her a chance and you might find out that she is right on her part.
Lying alone this thought comes by
realizing with time how moments have passed by.
Is it all falling apart or assembling into a beautiful
entity?
Circumstantial it's when you are not around,
few times when you are there with me,
the minutes fly soon,
Thanking for the gift I found in you.
Whether or not we stay together forever,
these momentous times with you are
the most precious ones that I seek...
